Bonus Episode

00:00Welcome to Nashville Restaurant Radio, the tastiest hour of talk in Music City. Now here's your host, Brandon Styll. Hello Music City and welcome to Nashville Restaurant Radio, my name is Brandon Styll and I am your host. We are powered by Gordon Food Service and today's episode is a bonus episode. This is not a episode of Nashville Restaurant Radio, I guess it technically is now, but this episode is of another podcast that I co-host and it is called Shut Up and Thrive. I have this business coach that I work with, her name is Deborah Sunderland and she is amazing and she practices 15 Commitments of Conscious Leadership, which is an amazing book if you ever want to read that. But we do this podcast and it's about telling the inner critic inside of you to shut up, all of the things that tell you you can't, that you're not good enough, all this stuff and it tells you and so you can thrive. We interview CEOs and business owners. It's a really fun opportunity for me to sit in a room with people that are really smart and learn from them and I love learning. But she did an episode with me and was just talking about all the things that I've learned and she said, what's your biggest challenge right now? And I said, sadness. She goes, sadness, tell me about it.

01:41And so I told her about last year, my cousin passing away and my grandmother passing away and my cat passing away, like all in the same, like two weeks span. And it was a tough one for me. And we talked about it and one of the things we talked about is feeling your feelings all the way through. So I went to California and I spent some time with my other cousin and this is the episode you're going to hear today is that that whole story. It kind of, if you've wondered over the last year or so, there's been times where I've kind of been up and kind of been down and I've tried to not talk about it too much on the podcast. I have a little bit, but not too much because it's kind of a downer. But the theory here is going from post-traumatic stress disorder into something called PTG, which is post-traumatic growth. And I'm trying to find that. And this is a story of how I've kind of found it and what it was like and what this experience has been like for me and how it's helped me in business and how it's helped me in a lot of different ways and hurt me and all the things. But I really, we recorded this episode and I said, hey, I kind of want to share this with my audience because it kind of explains a lot of my last year. And I don't know that a lot of you know that this stuff's going on. And if you're going through something similar, I wanted to share it so you could maybe relate or just kind of be aware of what's gone on with me.

03:18So I don't, I don't, I don't know why I just thought this was a really good episode to kind of explain some of the stuff that's been going on in my life. And I wanted to share it with you. I'm not going to do any ads to this one. This is just a, just an episode, just a bonus episode. And tomorrow we'll be coming out with an episode with Mark Waldo, who is the owner of Waldo's Chicken and Beer. And that's a fun conversation. I'm really excited to share that conversation with you. So stay tuned tomorrow for that episode. But now, and also go check out Shut Up and Thrive. It's on Spotify and we've, I think we've done like 10 episodes. I mean, there's a lot of good content in there where Debra is really coaching and she talks about a lot of these. It's kind of touchy feely, but it's, it's good. If you're a leader, this is stuff you need to hear. And happy to have you join us on Shut Up and Thrive over on Spotify. So without further ado, I'm just going to play the episode as you would hear it on Spotify. So let's jump in. Thanks for listening.

04:24Okay. We are back and better than ever. Super excited today to welcome you to another episode of Shut Up and Thrive. My name is Brandon Styll, and I am the guest today. We are joined with our fabulous host, Debra Sunderland. Oh, thank you, Brandon. Yay, everyone. Yay. Yeah. So wonderful. So wonderful. You know, Brandon, the reason I really love doing this podcast is I get to grow and share with you and meet these amazing leaders and you are one of them. And I remember, gosh, was it a couple months ago now? Must've been. Yeah. Cause it was late April that I went to California. Okay. Okay. So we're going to jump in and go deep on what it's like to be a leader, what it's like to have loss, what it's like to face that loss, feel it and to learn from it and to move forward. We have all had some kind of loss. And when Brandon and I were on a podcast in April or before that, some sadness came up for him and he's going to share where that sadness led him on his journey, how it has supported his growth, how it has fortified his heart, how it's helped him lead in his business even. So Brandon, I just want to appreciate you for being vulnerable. I know many leaders kind of push back sadness. They tell themselves, maybe I shouldn't be sad or just get over it or, and they just stuff it down, which we know causes

06:24us to be sick if we don't feel our feelings all the way through. So I'm just appreciating you being brave, being courageous, facing and feeling your sadness and getting your learning from it. So I would love to hear after our last podcast, what decisions did you make for yourself? Wow. Well, thank you for all of that. Feeling feelings all the way through and doing that stuff isn't natural for me. You know, I think I grew up in a environment where I was told to be a man. Men don't do that, you know, suck it up. Men don't cry. Don't be a wuss. And kind of the idea was get home and have a drink, get home, have a drink. You don't have to deal with this stuff. Be a man. That's your reward is you get to get home and have a big glass of bourbon, smoke a cigar or whatever it is. And so I, I, I didn't know how to feel. I didn't know what feelings really were through most, much of my adult life. And so this is a journey that's happened in the last six years. I mean, everything, most of the work that I've done is the last six years, which has allowed me to sit in that podcast last time with you and have a conversation around, we were talking about all the things and you said, what's, I said, you know, it's really hard for me right now because I'm just feeling so sad. I'm just feeling so sad right now. And it's overwhelming me. I got a bunch of memories that got sent on my, um, my phone and pictures. And I just, I just was overwhelmed with it. So we discussed it, feel it through. So after that, to answer your question after that, I went and talked to my wife and I booked a trip to California.

08:05And I want to give some backstory here because I don't want to just, if you didn't listen to that episode, you don't really know what's going on before you go into that. Cause I want to hear that. I just, again, want to appreciate you. Um, you had said something just really important right now as that most people in the United States, at least since you were a little, we're told not to feel our feelings. Don't bring them to work. They're not appropriate. All the things, and especially for men, do not show fear and do not show sadness. You need to be bold. You need to be brave. You need to know what you're doing. Yet we all have sadness. We all have fear. And if we don't feel it, this is how we learn the emotional intelligence of our emotions. Dear ones, this is, this is something I'm trained in and it's emotions only last 90 seconds at the most. And they're just an energy that comes from our thinking. It's an electrical current that flows from our mind through our body. Our thoughts generate our feelings. And if we feel them all the way through, allow them to get as big or as small as they want, then we can go back to our head and say, huh, what was that thought that created this emotion? And what's the learning for me? But typically we've learned to push it down and it gets stored in our adrenals is cortisol, which we know cortisol ain't so good for us. And then we have cortisol stored in our bodies, which form triggers in our bodies. So we think we're upset with someone else or something happens and it's typically not the current situation that causes us the reaction.

09:43It's the stored emotion in our body that keeps replaying itself. And we're attached to the thought and we're attached to the emotion and we recycle the same outcomes over and over again. So being brave and courageous, dear ones to feel your feelings all the way through whatever they are. I know it's scary. I promise you won't die. Brandon is going to share his story and he survived it. And not only did he survive it, he got some great outcomes from it. We're looking to see how is our emotion here to help us learn about ourself, how we're seeing the world, how to look at our beliefs and are they serving us anymore? And really we are the healer of ourself if we allow the emotion to come through. So I just want to share that with you all that be brave, be courageous, reach out to Brandon, reach out to me if you are experiencing sadness, because we've got a lot of loss in the last five years. And so it's all for us instead of running from it, as we are told, let's start to practice being real with ourselves and get the learning. So Brandon, back to California.

10:45Thank you. I want to touch on what you just now said a little bit. One of the things that I've learned from you is the expression of anger, right? I have an ADHD guys. This is where I'm taking a right turn here. And I get these real big emotions real quick. And I think that when you have anger, I've stopped when I get mad and I welcome it and I go to my, if I'm at work, I will go to my car. I'll say, excuse me, just a moment guys. And I'll go out to my car and I will grab the steering wheel and I will scream as loud as I can. I will get every bit of that anger just in my car. 100% of the time that I do that, I stop and I go, okay, now like it's almost like a, it's like a pressure cooker that you just release the pressure. That's right. And then I can walk back in to work and go, oh, well, that's not going to come out on somebody. Now I can now focus on whatever it was that gave me that initial reaction. And I hand it's so much better than watch out Brandon's on the war path. I let the war path go in the car. The war path is my steering wheel. And then I walk back in. Oh yeah. It's an amazing practice. And I tell my managers, I said, you guys got a, I was on the phone with one the other day and I said, okay, you sound pretty upset. She's like, so let's, that's an okay feeling. It's okay to be upset. I would be upset right now. This is a normal thing. So I want you to go out to your car. I want you to go out to your car, sit there, grab the steering wheel and scream. She's like, that sounds stupid. And I go, Oh, you think so? Go try. Like just go right now.

12:23I'm telling you, I'm ordering you. Like, I don't know how you do this, but like go out to your car and then come back in. You'll feel a lot better. And they did. And they're like, that was kind of crazy how much that worked. So there's my little tip for anybody listening. I love that dear ones. And there's all kinds of ways to release your emotions without saying something. Cause when we're emotional, we say things that we regret then, whether it's on our leadership role, whether it's with our friends, whether it's with our kids, whether it's with our spouses, then we're like, Oh, and then we can't take it back. Right? So don't speak when you're starting to feel overwhelmed by an emotion, find a place that you can be safe and let it out. It could be a grunt. It could be a big sigh. It could be tears just coming down your face, whatever it is. Because when we speak from that space, it's not going to serve us or the people that are listening. All right. So let's get into my story about six years ago. I got fired from my job. This is the, I've done a whole podcast on this one. This isn't like breaking news, but there's a part of this that is a, this is part of the story. So I thought my life was over. I lost my job, just bought a brand new house. This is like my dream house I bought. And then, then I lost my job 15 days later, right? I thought everybody in the world hated me. I was at my rock bottom. I swore off alcohol for the rest of my life. I made a decision that I was going to be better. I was going to be a better human being going forward that this was not me. And I made a mistake.

13:53The moment that I was being fired. And I love the person who was firing me. And he said to that, I love you. I'm sorry. I can't continue with this kind of as a tough love slash I love you, but this won't work. And they gave me some really nice, they were just very kind to me in this moment. At that exact moment, a gigantic rainbow showed up and there's a lot more to that story. But I remember sitting there and it wasn't like a rainy day. It just, all of a sudden I looked up and it was the biggest, brightest rainbow I've ever seen in my life. And so many people that I've met through AA and different things have said, I haven't had my spiritual awakening. I don't know. I'm scared. I don't know what that is. And I go, I was one of the lucky ones because I got to be in that moment down there at the bottom of the well, at the rock bottom. And this huge rainbow just shows up. And I went, well, if there's ever been a sign from God, I'll send it to you. You can post the picture of the rainbow that day, October 30th, 2019.

14:56I'll give it to you. You can post it. Go to the, go to LinkedIn right now and look at the post that talks about this one and you'll see that rainbow. And that's what I saw. And so that was kind of my moment that I gave everything over to God and I, whatever God it is, if it's an AA, we use higher power and I don't, this isn't a religious thing. This is a, I can't control everything. I can't do this. So I gave everything over and this was God saying, Hey, look, man, the worst is behind you. The only thing you can do is go forward and do good things like you ain't getting any worse brother. So you can start changing your decisions and go forward. So I did that and it's led me in an amazing, amazing places. I can't even tell you how honored I am. So April, uh, May, May 14th, 2024. Um, and I want to give a little story of what happened with my cousins. This makes sense. Uh, Saturday night we went to bed and I had a cough, like a nasty cough. And my wife goes, dude, you're killing me. Like you need to go to the get 12 30 and you need to go to the guest bedroom.

16:07So sure. So I grabbed my phone and I walked to the guest bedroom. I lay down, I pick up my phone. I have 27 text messages. It's never like a good thing at 12 30 in the morning when you have 27 text messages and you're not expecting any. And it's a message from my cousin, uh, Trenton, California. And he says, Hey, I need, and there's like 30 people on this message that I need everybody's help. My brother's plane has gone down. We are trying to find it. We need everybody to help us. It's in San Bernardino and this whole thing. And I'm like, Oh my, just hearing now, like it's, it's, it brings me back to that moment at 12 30 at night. And I was like, holy shit, pardon the language, but I, I, I kind of freaked out and I walked back into the bedroom and I'm like looking at all these different text messages. Like, is this real? Like, is he okay? Like what's going on? This is my cousin who I've grown up my entire life with. I mean, they live in California and the brightest, most amazing guy you'll ever meet 35 years old engaged, uh, kid, the whole thing. And so we, I go into my bedroom with my wife and I go, honey, Blake had a plane crash and I just, I don't know what happened. And so we prayed and I said, I have to go right now. And I literally went on southwest.com at one o'clock in the morning and found a ticket that went straight to LAX. It left it five Oh five. And so I just booked it.

17:32I didn't know, but if they're searching for him, I'm going to be there. I didn't, I called my parents. I said, Hey, you guys have a bunch of text messages. You need to read this. So my dad came, picked me up, took me to the airport and I'm spinning. I am freaking out. I get on the plane, I fly to LA, I land at 10 AM. So 12 30 at night, I get this text message. I'm in LA at 10 AM. Like I am, this is a big deal. I'm going to go help find him. It was bad weather that night. So they called off the search. It was at the top of a remote mountain. So they couldn't, we didn't know what happened. And so I didn't, I had this, this, this hope in this dream, this 1% chance. Like he made it. I don't, I don't know. Like he tried to land. He's up there. I'm going to go, we're going to go get him. Like we're. And so I land, I call my cousins, the search is back on it's daytime. They're up there. They can't get there by foot. So I've got helicopters and whole thing. And I call my cousin, turn him on the four Oh five, uh, driving to, to riverside where they were. And I'm talking to him and he goes, Hey, I got, I got the police calling me.

18:38And he clicks over and he clicked back to me and he goes, he's gone. That was the call. And I'm just driving 75 miles now in the interstate just lost it. So I get to riverside to uncle's house and Trent shows up right at the exact same time. And I just hug him and we just cry and I go in and see my grandmother who's 92 years old and she's, she's just, she's just indifferent. She's like, I don't, I don't know what to think. I, I, I, she, it doesn't quite register to her yet. This is the crazy part of this thing. We know this, we're all sad, but then I'm not there to be consoled. I'm now there as somebody who's trying to console the family. And I am part of the family. I was honored to be there. It was a really special moment. So all of these people start showing up at the house once the kind of the word gets out and the whole thing. And my grandmother decides, I'm going to make brownies. I want to make cupcakes for everybody. I got people come over. I need to make cupcakes. She's what she does. So my grandmother gets up and starts making, she, she starts to make cupcakes and she reaches in to get her mixer and she falls. I'm standing eight feet away from her.

19:56And she falls and her head bounces on the floor. I mean, she's 92. I run over to her and I'm like, grandma, oh my God. And she's, do you know what day it is? Like, where's bill? Her husband had died a couple of years ago. Like she's completely concussed. She's out. So we have to call an ambulance. So now I've got all these people showing up. There's an ambulance. My grandmother's being taken out on a stretcher and I'm like holding their hand. Like, it's going to be okay. Like, you know, what do you do? Um, everybody shows up. I get to go to the hospital that night and I spent three hours with her in the emergency room, um, holding her hand before they put her on morphine. She cracked three vertebrae and I got to have the best conversation of my life with my grandmother for three hours, unplanned, just their amazing moment. She never recovered. She died the day of Blake's funeral. So we're, I went home, eventually came back for the funeral and the day of the funeral, she died in the house. She was in hospice in the house, died in the house.

20:57I haven't really even got to deal with that one because we're in the middle of all this other stuff. So, uh, I'm in, I'm in California Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, come home on Wednesday. I have a leadership group trip to Florida on Thursday. So I take the entire leadership team to Florida. We're chartered a boat, the whole thing. It's a great time. We get off the boat and I get to Publix. We're going to Publix to buy beer for some, you know, the team. And my wife calls. I'm like, Hey babe. And she's screaming. Our cat got hit by a car. Right. So I, I'm like one week later. So she's screaming. I haven't seen her. I mean, my cousin died. She's hurting. I've been gone for a week in California. Now I'm in Florida. My cat gets hit. So I said, all right, I'm, I'm out. Sorry everybody. So I just got, got in a car and left. I just went home. I was like, I gotta, gotta be with my family whirlwind, all of this stuff. My, so we go back for the funeral. My grandmother dies that day. So I'm at the funeral for Blake, which is incredibly difficult. I can't even think about like, so I get back.

22:09And when we're talking, I get these notifications and there's pictures of me and my grandmother and Blake from two years ago, when my grandfather was passing all these pictures, I'm like, everybody in this picture is dead. And I get these photos and it just rocked me. Like all of a sudden I couldn't, I hadn't been able to feel anything. I didn't, it just wasn't. So when we were talking that day, it was how you feel. I'm like, I'm overwhelmed with sadness. I don't know. So I immediately booked this trip. I said, honey, I need to go to California. I need to work on some of this stuff and I need to cry. I haven't, I haven't got to cry. I was a shoulder to cry on for a lot of these people. I'm a leader and I'm here for you, but who's here for me. And so it was that moment that I went, I need this. So I went to California. I flew out there and what we did was we booked a fishing trip. So we did two things. I was there for two full days.

23:09I flew in like on a Monday where they're Tuesday, Wednesday, I came home Thursday. We booked a fishing trip, which was the last thing that me, Trent and Blake did as us three together when my grandfather was passing away. When I came out to California, we all went to Catalina Island and went fishing and we had the best time. So pictures of the funeral were from that day on the boat. And so I said, I want to do that again in his memory. And then I want to, and my cousin Trent, who's just the most amazing guy in the world, he has climbed up to where the plane crashed many times. So much so that he built a deck on the top of this mountain, right? It's a 1600 feet of elevation in the hike. And they carried 2,500 pounds of equipment and, you know, pillars and all the wood and cement, all the tools. And he built it because it was on this jagged edge and he built a deck up there. And I really wanted to see this and can experience it. So we did that. We went, day one, we climbed up to the top of this mountain. And I'll tell you, first thing, when I get to Trent's house, he's converted, Blake used to live with him for a long time and Blake's room, he's completely converted into a tribute, like a memorial to Blake.

24:28Every picture on Blake's phone that had a person in it, he got framed. So every picture on the wall is everything you can imagine. He has Blake ran the LA Marathon for 13 years in a row, I believe. So he had all of the medals, every track time, like he just made this beautiful. And I had no idea what that was going to mean to me because I felt like I just got back to Tennessee and nobody knows how much I'm hurting. And seeing somebody else hurting as much as me, it gave me comfort, but it also was like, man, this is a really amazing tribute. He's got the surfboard that I gave us because I sold Blake a long time ago when I moved from California back to Tennessee. And this is his first surfboard. It's in the room. And I remember buying that surfboard, just all these moments as we climb up there, we get to the very top and he's showing me, this is this ridge and we found debris over here and we found debris over here in the middle just to see it. And we climb up and we go to his like rope set up so you can like, I mean, the guys, he's amazing. So I get there and there's still debris everywhere. There's just little plain parts all over the side of this mountain.

25:49Wow. This right here, I'll show you. This is an actual piece of the airplane. That's what melted metal looks like. Be real careful. Don't try and, that's melted metal from the airplane. I took a piece home and he has, there's millions of these things out. I mean, imagine if you take like an apple pie and you throw it on the ground, you can pick up the main parts, but there's going to be crumbs and stuff ever. That's kind of what it's like when a plane crashes on the side of a mountain. Like there's just little pieces everywhere and he's on this mission to try and find his wallet and his bag. And so we got to get up there and he kind of explained to me how the plane hit and what happened. And I just kind of in shock and we climb around and look around and just, I just see it all and he's got this little waterproof box sitting up there and he's got a, like a composition notebook in it. And he's got like a bottle of crown and these little, you know, trinkets that were his. And so I said, can I write him a letter?

27:00And so I sat there right on the edge where it happened and I wrote him this letter and I lost it. Like I just cried. It was amazing. I hadn't been able, I've never, I don't know if I've ever cried like that. I mean, it was so powerful and I hugged him and we just cried together and I signed underneath the thing, underneath the deck, you know, love you Blake and whatever. But it was just, it was so comforting to see that spot and to know what happened and write him that letter and say goodbye. And so we walked, we hiked back down and that night, Trent's in a bowling league and he's, he's like a, he bowled like a 292. Like it was crazy. The guy's like, he's an incredible athlete in every way. He's an incredible human, but he, we're on the way there and we're in California, never rains in California, you know, it's just not a thing. And so we're on the way to the bowling alley and I can see the mountains. It's all surrounding these mountains around here in Paris, P E R I S California. And you're not going to believe it. There was a gigantic rainbow over the whole mountain, just this big rainbow and I looked at it and I just had this feeling like, that's, that's God, that's God right there. He's telling me, he's okay. That sign of a rainbow to me is so impactful that when I saw it that day, driving there that night, after being there, I was like, that's it. Yeah. That's God telling me like he's with me. It was in that moment that I had this crazy feeling like

29:03where's my learning? God, what are you telling me? What are you telling me in this moment? What is my learning from this? And I looked down and I went, man, my cousin who had a business with Blake, they had two brothers aviation, but not only has he devoted his life to keeping his brother's memory alive, he ran the LA marathon this past year. He's never ran marathons entire life. He said, I've never, he goes, it was really fricking hard. He goes, I never went to see Blake run the marathon. It's just something Blake did. Blake just ran a marathon all the time. This is what he did. He goes, but I train every day now and I do this and I recognize what it was for him. And I ran it this year. He ran the whole thing, holding a photo of Blake, 26 miles, holding a photo. And you see how much he has changed, how his life has just taken a turn and he's forever sad. But the love he put into that room, the love he put into building that deck. Can you imagine hiking 2000 feet of elevation with 2,500 pounds of equipment?

30:14How many trips you have to do and then build a deck and they should, his videos of him, the pouring rain up there on the side of the mountain, installing concrete and poles, like you're not concrete. You have to put water in there and do like carrying all that stuff up there. Like just the dedication. I'm like, and what this guy has done in honor of him has been incredible. And then we went bowling. The next day we went fishing. I caught the biggest fish on the boat. I caught a rock bass. It was the big, I'll send you a picture of that too. You can put up there. One of the jackpots at the end of the fishing thing. But we're on the way out to Catalina Island and Trent was having some seasickness. So I walked to the front of the boat and the boat was, you know, kind of going up and down and the front of the boat, every time the boat would do that, the big spray of water would come off and create gigantic rainbows. Yep. I knew you were going to say that. I knew you were going to say that. And I was like, he's here. Like this is, this is the thing. So I think getting, saying hi to everybody, spending time with everybody, spend that time with Trent was everything. And I don't, I needed, I needed to cry. At the last day I sat in his room and I just sat in front of his urn and there really wasn't much of a, really wasn't much left.

31:36I mean, after you had a mountain doing 300 miles an hour, they didn't really have anything to identify. I have a tattoo. The only tattoo I've ever had was this one tattoo. I'm not going to go into the story, but it's Blake's first tattoo and there's a bunch of us that got it. And it's, it's how they were able to identify him. Wow. So I want to say when you talk about the rainbow and you talked about Blake, it makes me also believe that God knew that, that, that rainbow would be for you and that you are so loved that he made that beautiful creation for you to see at the perfect timing for you to know, I see you, I see you and I love you. And I know you're hurting and I know you're hurting and I'm here. I see you. I see you. And I'm so appreciative of you sharing this journey with us, this story, the details. It also says to me, relationships are everything. And the way we care for ourselves is the way we care for others and vice versa.

32:57And we makes me think of how we get wrapped up. I do. I think many people do in our work and we don't prioritize sometimes what matters most. Right. And so you're sharing to me with me is an example of what really matters most in so many ways in details, you getting up and going in the middle of the night, you helping your grandmother and spending those hours with her before she died. You coming home when you're on your journey with your leadership team and your wife calls and the cat dies and you're like, I gotta go home. And you realizing you had more business to do for yourself with God, with Blake, with Trent. And you, so you, you listened to your heart and you went and I love that you got up and went over and over and over again.

33:59And that's the beauty of your heart. That's the beauty of your heart, listening to your heart, not your mind, cause your mind will probably talk you out of it. All the things you gotta do, what you gotta know, your heart knew, I gotta go. And honoring your heart, honoring your family's heart, honoring your friend's heart, just so, so beautiful. So I just wanted to interject that. Well, thank you. I, it was hard in mind. There's, there's no way I could logically tell myself I don't need to be there. Yeah. There's no, I wasn't an option. That's not like a, oh, they'll be fine for it. I have business people, we're at the beach. Like I can't, no, this is what, it's why we do everything that we do. We do all this stuff for the family and people that you love. Relationships are really, really valuable and important things. And you know, through all this, I think I've learned not how important relationships are, but again, I can't, I can't, there's no logical answer to any of this. Why did he take this 35 year old bright young man who had everything in the world going like that? You, you're, I'm never going to make that make sense. It's, it's, it's never going to be a thing. No. But when you see everybody around you, when you see all of the beauty that has come from this horrible moment, all of the people that have come together, all of the love that is shared, all of the reminders about how much family means to you, all of the little things, all of this extra energy that we put in that we didn't even know we were capable of, how that translates into my business life, how that translates into my personal life, how that translates into my relationship with my

36:00children. All of a sudden it doesn't make sense. It's never going to make sense. But if I try and make sense of it, I will go crazy. So I have to look at where can I grow? What parts can I learn? How can I grow from this horrible thing that I can't change? I can live in this, oh, I can't believe this happened. Or I can go, I saw the rainbow. God told me he's okay. Now where do we go? Can I see all the beauty that has come from this? Is that even a thing? I'm not feeling guilty about it, but can I open my eyes and see all of the things that have happened as a result? Yeah. I'm going to choose to see that. Yeah. You're looking for the beauty. And it's beautiful because again, we all have loss. Heck, we lose hair every day, right? There's how we live, you know, there's- That's my kids, I'm bald. As you know, we, you guys, we all have loss and to, I have this, these words in my head, beauty from ashes. That's what this makes me think of.

37:18Like how do we turn things that seem- We have a friend join us here in the studios, Dolly. Dolly's getting, Dolly's going away. Thank you, Dolly, for making a cameo. So cute. It makes me think of, if we face our fears, face our sadness, feel it. We need each other through that because everyone is emotional. Everyone is human and we all have things that we're carrying and we have no idea what someone's carrying. People at work, our friends, people that we pass by in the grocery store, people are experiencing loss of some sort all the time, big or small. And you made it a beautiful example of what it's like to show up in grief, what it's like to show up in a morning, what it's like to show up as a family member, a friend. And I would love to see that more at work because we can't separate who we are if we go to work or when we go to work because we carry this. And so to always remember that someone is probably carrying something that you have no idea because many times we haven't made a safe place to talk about these things. And people think, oh, I shouldn't be sad or why am I feeling this or why am I feeling afraid? And then we try and talk ourselves out of it and distract ourselves. But what we really need is a safe place. Why can't work be like a family as well? I'm not saying don't be honest, don't be truthful, don't set goals. But can we do that from a loving, caring place? And just like you are doing with your family,

39:20how has that changed your leadership at work? You know, I don't know if it's changed necessarily the way that I lead people because I've always tried to be very genuine in understanding and empathetic to people's needs. And I may seek to understand person, not a quick to judge person as a leader, ideally. And we all are quick to judge at moments. But I think where this has shown up the most for me in business is at the end of that conversation that you and I had, I said, I'm just so overwhelmed with this sadness and this grief. And I think it's the best way I can put it is, is put your oxygen mask on first before you can help others. And if you as a leader aren't taking care of yourself, every day you show up as a leader, you're not being your best. I wasn't my best. I had all this stuff that I was dealing with that affected indirectly everybody around me.

40:27So once you put that oxygen mask on and you get better, you can be so much more effective as a leader for everybody else. You know, you can't just go, well, I can't worry about me. I have to worry about everybody else. Like, no, that's, that's the wrong mentality. You have to be take care of you so that you have the ability to take care of everybody else. That's where it's shown up most for me right now. I love that. And something that you just said, it reminds me that experiences life happen to us or with us or for us all the time. And when these big happenings happen, loss that you've experienced so close together, big losses, I believe they happen so that when someone, you know, is going through something similar, a big loss, you're able to speak, not to change them, not to fix them. But to say, I've walked this road, and you're not alone. And I know what it's like to walk this road. And to walk shoulder to shoulder with them. I believe that there's wisdom in that that you're gaining that you're going to be able to just model in front of people who are or will experience something very similar. I believe it's not for not that we are given these experiences just like my life. My life has been traumatic as a child growing up. And I've had a lot of trauma and drama over the last 10 years with all my accidents from my brain injury. And all the things that happen, we can either say they're to us. And we fight them and we argue them and we push them down. We try to ignore them and we're mad and we're like, why is this happening? And that's totally normal too, because that's a human quality that we have is anger. But to stay in that and to not let that anger pass so we can

42:27really get to the sadness that's probably in there and the fear that's probably covered in there. We won't be, we will never heal. And we can't walk alongside with someone else's healing. And to walk that full circle like the rainbow is what we're called to do. And to pick each other up when we fall down in grief and anger and sadness to know that we're all human and that we need each other. We can't do this alone. And I think it's, I think God uses, I know in my life, some crazy experiences to say, you know, maybe my parents didn't love me well. But gosh darn it, I know what love is because I was met with love that was beyond that suffering and pain. Right? Like the rainbow that you experience, you were touched with this beautiful, heartfelt, spirit felt image.

43:34Right? And I've had that over and over and over again, to know that there's something greater than me. There's something greater than you. There's something greater than the incident that's happened or happening. That there is this abundant love that carries us all, that guides us all, that holds us all. And if we can see that bigger picture, instead of getting wrapped up in the specific, yes, we will. And it's okay. Don't blame or shame yourself. Love yourself when you're down, but also look for what's the greater good for me, the greater good for the collective in the world. How is this happening for me? Yeah. I think you said it very well. Was there any questions on LinkedIn, anything out there that we need to answer or anything like that? I think there was one about how it affected business. Yeah. How did it affect business? Well, I mean, that's just the, I think I answered that one with the me showing up better. I think that allows me to lead better. I mean, everything in life you do is an experience and those, all those things add to your toolkit. I mean, this is all stuff that I can draw from, but I mean, for the most part is healing my own wounds before I can help anybody else is the most important thing. Absolutely. Was there one, I want to make sure we cover everything if we're going to promote and go follow Debra Sunderland on Sunderland coaching, right? Sunderland coaching on LinkedIn. Do you have an Instagram page? I, yeah, I do have an Instagram page. You can go to my website too. It's Sunderland coaching.com and you can see updates on all these things. And if you, when this episode comes out, you can go to her LinkedIn page, make sure that you hit a like. And when we do these episodes, she's going to post, um, do you have questions for the guests? Do you have anything? And I just want to make sure that you're out there,

45:35you're following her because I don't want you to miss any of these conversations we're having because these are impactful, really good conversations. And I thank you for allowing me to be a part of them. And it wasn't an expected thing. Like we were just talking and I sensed right away, your sadness come up and that's how we got, that's how we got here today from months ago of allowing. And that's another thing guys, when you notice that someone is sad or fearful or angry, hold a space for them, be there with them in that moment, instead of judging or trying to fix it or make them not feel beautiful. There's a, there's that picture. I'll put it up there for everybody. That's us on our fishing trip before everything. Uh, Blake's the one with sunglasses on. Wow. Wait, they both have sunglasses. Well, uh, he's this one right there, the guy in the front, beautiful being Trent is the guy next to him. And, uh, yeah, beautiful, beautiful, love it. So you can see it. Yeah, I love it. So I was just saying guys, make sure that you can practice. It's all a practice guys. This isn't a right or wrong or how is everything teaching us so we can practice learning, growing as more loving human beings to ourself and each other.

46:58And when you see maybe your coworker or your employee suffering in some way, meaning there's something not going like I know them to be. There's something going on for them. Maybe they're angry. Maybe they're fearful. Maybe they're sad. It's okay because we're human. And how do we just hear them? What's going on for you today? Or you notice someone's not performing like they normally do instead of judging them and thinking they're not working hard enough, asking them, Hey, I noticed a shift in you and I'm not blaming you. I'm shaming you. I'm just curious what do you want support? Is there something going on for you? What's going on in your world? Because our world, our internal world is carried wherever we go. And even when you walk by someone that you don't know, sometimes you can, I've seen that before people crying or and they're alone or saying something, saying something. I see you. Is there anything I can do for you? We need each other. So thank you, Brendan, for sharing because we needed to hear your story and your journey. We need to know this. I'm really appreciative.

48:10You know, I want to tack on something. When I was like, and it'll be real fast, 16 or 17 years old at our church, Jim Baker came and spoke. Now, I don't know what you think about this sort of thing. And we had to go because my parents are friends with the pastor and yeah. So I'm there to see Jim Baker speak. And he said something that will, I will remember till the day I die. He said, when I was in prison, you know, cause he got sent to prison, he goes, every single, he goes, I thought every single person in the world hated me. Everybody thought I was this whole person. He goes, and I was because I earned everything that I was there for. He said, and they told me one day that said, Billy Graham's coming to see you. Oh, and I'm dirty. I'm filthy. I smell, I had, you know, only to shower every couple of days or whatever it was. He was like in my, it was just nasty. And here comes Billy Graham and he walks up to my cell and I'm standing there behind a cell and Billy Graham walks up and I'm thinking that he's going to say, how dare you disgrace our religion, whatever it is. And, you know, I'm waiting to hear it from Billy Graham and he comes in and he, he just opens his arms and he said, come here. And he gave him a hug. And he goes, it changed everything in my world to think that people would still possibly love me.

49:40He goes, so you never know what one tiny act, if you're at a grocery store and you walk by somebody and you smile, that person may be in a moment where they're about to go, you know, do something that might end it permanently. One smile from one person might make them feel like, yes, you know what? Yes. This life is worth living. There are people out there that, and you have, and this is, I've taken this with me into hospitality is because I don't know when you walk in the door of my building, where if you just came from a funeral, if you just won lotteries, got divorced, she's put your daughter, I don't know where you're at, but I know that we can show kindness and wherever you are, one tiny act of kindness could save a life. I mean, it's a little dramatic, but like, it's a, it's a real thing. And I'll never forget Billy Graham, this Jim Baker telling this story about his worst moment, Billy Graham, giving him all the grace in the world and showing grace and showing people empathy. And it's just amazing thing that I think it's referencing what you were just saying, right? Is that a different way of saying?

50:45Just a friendly reminder, guys, you know, I study the business world. I study how we're doing in the business as people. I read a lot. I practice growing myself all the time and we continue to spiral down, um, with feeling lonely across the board, um, with feeling alone and lost and even at work and engagement is continuing to go down at work. This is, I believe a lot of the ways that we've now have blockers that we don't realize from really being vulnerable with each other screens, uh, right. All kinds of things. Zoom calls. I mean, or thing that's so impersonal. Yeah. He's sitting here looking at you right now, seeing the emotion in your eyes, especially when we're missing a lot of that in this world, people just not connecting face to face. Everything is digital. And when we, when we walk by in the grocery store, we're looking at our phone. We're not looking at people anymore. So guys, I just want to encourage you to look around you because you're not alone. There's people just like you and they need you and you need them. Put your phone down just for a few minutes and look and see who is around you and smile. You'll feel better if you smile and they're going to feel better that you smiled at them. And I can't tell you, I have a practice too. Whenever I'm out, I compliment people, not to give them, but I'm like, Hey, that looks really good on you. Wear that more or Hey, I love that do on you. Or I don't care if they're male or female, you know what? Cause I'm noticing them and they don't hear that. And they're like, Oh my gosh, thank you. Because people are beautiful.

52:38So how can we see that in them and tell them whatever it is or make it light? Like I take an elevator now to work up and down. I'm in an elevator and I try to know who's in the elevator and I get in there like I know them. I'm like, Hey guys, you know, and they don't know who I am, but I'm going to start talking to them because are we going to sit in that elevator by ourselves and not say something? No. Good morning. Yeah. So let's talk to each other. Let's yes, let's be, let's be human with each other. So that that's my thing guys. Um, love yourself so you can love others. Know that you're just like everyone else. And if someone's suffering, it's probably, you can relate to them and they could use your support and be vulnerable when you need support guys. We want us, we, people normally want to support each other. They normally want to be there to help each other. People are usually caring and giving. So yeah. If you want to send, I'm on LinkedIn too at Brandon still, um, Nashville restaurant radio on Instagram. Same thing. Feel free to DM me. I'm happy to continue conversations or talk to people. Or if you want to get on the podcast or something like that, just let us know if you're somebody who's a leader and you have something you'd like to talk to Deborah about, we'd love to hear from you. And um, all right. I think that's going to wrap it today. Thank you. Are we, are we anything else? Any burning desires? Yeah. I just want to say, yeah, come on guys, join us. Let's have conversations.

54:01Let's be real. Let's just, let's live life together and love each other, pick each other up and let's do this. Yes. Let's do it. Yeah. What I'm talking about, you know, people talk to me all the time when I'm at places and they, especially the grocery store, people talk to me a lot of like, I get an abnormal amount of people who talk to me at grocery stores. Did you know that? Oh my gosh. It's all the time. You know what they do? They looked up to me and they go, can you get that for me up there? And it's, I'm on the, I'm the top shelf getter guy. Yeah. Yeah. The people tell me something all the time. They go, you're tall. And I go, thanks. Take it as a compliment. Okay. I guess it's a thing. And how does it make you feel when you help someone? Oh, that's great. It's, yeah, you feel good. I'm that guy at every job I've ever had. He's the guy that changes the light bulbs. Exactly. It's a thing. I love it. All right guys, take good care of yourself. We are sending you lots of love and join us on our next podcast. And remember to shut up and thrive.

55:27you