Brandon Styll sits down with his own executive coach, Debra Sunderland, founder of Sunderland Coaching, for a conversation about conscious leadership and how restaurant owners can transform their businesses by first transforming their thinking.
Brandon Styll sits down with his own executive coach, Debra Sunderland, founder of Sunderland Coaching, for a conversation about conscious leadership and how restaurant owners can transform their businesses by first transforming their thinking. Debra explains the difference between living above the line (curiosity, learning, trust) and below the line (scarcity, control, victimhood), and why so many operators stay stuck in a to me mindset where the world feels like it is happening against them.
The two unpack practical tools any restaurant leader can use, including the three breaths reset, naming feelings instead of stuffing them, and asking what part did I play in the result I do not want. Brandon shares vulnerable moments from his own coaching journey, including learning to lead with his heart and to unconditionally love himself, and applies it to a recent moment with his son falling off an e-bike.
The episode closes with a plan to bring Debra's work into the Nashville restaurant community through a Nara partnership, offering owners and leadership teams a discounted way to do this work together.
"Learning is thriving. Control is killing you and your business."
Debra Sunderland, 47:44
"You are more than what you accomplish. No one is going to remember this great restaurant when you are dead. They are going to remember how you showed up for people."
Debra Sunderland, 22:09
"You cannot change results. We can only change what we did to create the result we have."
Debra Sunderland, 01:13:35
"You are the creator of every result you have in your life. You are more powerful than you know."
Debra Sunderland, 01:14:45
00:00Sharpier's Bakery is a locally owned and family operated wholesale bakery providing bread to Nashville's best eateries. They have operated in Nashville since 1986. Yes, next year will be 40 years. They're providing high quality, fresh bread daily for restaurants, catering companies, hospitals, and universities. The bread is also free from any preservatives and artificial flavors. The right off of White Bridge Road, Erin Mosso and her team have been doing this for a long time. You know what I love about them is that they're local and they care. They care about your business. That's like the number one thing you're gonna hear me talk about is, do they care about your business? And I hundred percent believe that they do. If you would like to be working with a bakery that cares about your business, give them a call. 615-356-0872. That's 615-356-0872. Now you can always visit them at Sharpieres.com. That's C-H-A-R-P-I-E-R-S.com.
01:05And they have pictures of all of the bread that they can have for you and contact information. Go check them out Sharpieres Bakery. Welcome to Nashville Restaurant Radio. The tastiest hour of talk in Music City. Now here's your host, Brandon Styll. Hello Music City and welcome to Nashville Restaurant Radio. My name is Brandon Styll and I am your host. We are powered by Gordon Food Service and I've got a good one for you today. We are talking with Debra Sunderland. She is the owner of Sunderland Coaching and she's my coach. She's somebody I work with on a regular basis for business type things and it's so funny how this business stuff bleeds over into like real-world stuff because as we're talking and she's teaching you how to stay calm and little techniques to do in crisis moments and how to not lead with ego and understand when your ego is making decisions for you and it's amazing how those things also translate into everyday life with your wife, with your kids, with the grocery store no matter what it is. So this is gonna be a fun one. Me and Debra are working on a program where we can bring some restaurant owners in and kind of have a group discussion about this. So stay tuned for that and if you're following Nashville Restaurant Radio on Instagram we'll probably be posting there or go to Nara Nashville and post there. Hey what a segue. Nara Nashville we are hosting. C&B Lennon is an amazing company and they are gonna be hosting us. Nara at the Nashville Predators. We have got a suite at the Preds game for three games the week of November the third. I think it's the third, the fifth, and the eighth. So if you are a Nara
03:09member we would love to have you come to that game. This is not a sales pitch. This is a way to bring people together. Again, Nara Connect that we did in August, August 14th. This is of many of these type things where we're going to be bringing people together. I want to get chefs and restaurant owners together so we can connect, we can shake hands, we can hug, we can just see each other outside of the four walls of the building. Which fortunately I get to do a lot of because we do this podcast. So I get to see a lot of people and I want to bring all those people together. So that is gonna be three nights at the Preds. If you want to go to a Preds game and you're a Nara member, if you want to be a Nara member, all you have to do is go to NaraNashville.com. There's a contact page there. Just click on that and then type your information and send it to me and I will get it and I'll contact you and we'll get you started with Nara. Speaking of Nara, I have a question for everybody out there. How do you know you're getting the best price? That's my question because what I do at Nara is I know if you're getting the best price because I see everybody's pricing and I see pricing from restaurants like my restaurants that will do ten million dollars in sales in a year and that way I can see what a high volume they're offering high volume and I've got restaurants that don't do ten million they're doing you know five hundred thousand dollars a year and I know what pricing is offered to them and my goal is to make sure that you are getting the best pricing. Now I can't share with you what everybody is getting but know that I can look at it and say you're not getting the best pricing or you are getting great pricing. If you ever wanted to know that again go to NaraNashville connect with me. I would love to sit down with you and look at all of the things that you're doing because I'm gonna be honest with you you're probably not getting the best pricing if you're not a chain or you're not a gigantic restaurant group and the funny thing is even in large restaurant groups they
05:13still figure out they larger companies national brands that don't that they kind of offer in other things that are not giving you the best pricing and I can elaborate on that but that's the question. How do you know if you're getting the best pricing? I've worked with enough restaurants now where I can feel pretty confident looking at what you're doing and saying you're not getting a good deal. Let me help you get a good deal. My interest is in helping restaurants succeed and finding really great partnerships with businesses that actually care about you. Businesses like Sharpier's Bakery this is like CNB Lennon. Now CNB Lennon is not asking for anything for these things they just want to bring the community together as well. I'm finding companies that align with our mission that want to help you and so if you want all those at one time and somebody to negotiate all that stuff for you and set you up for that I think NARA might be for you. I'm a little behind right now we've got so many RFPs that we're working on and an RFP is a request for proposal and what I do is I take your broad line business and I bid it out to everybody. We combine it all then I bid it out to everybody and this is something I've done for a long time and we put all that together and then I present it to you. We don't make any decisions at NARA. All I do is I get the deals together and I present them to you and you say yes or no. If you have a company you love that you're paying way too much for you can keep them. I can probably negotiate your prices down though. So these are things that we would love to talk to you about once I get caught up. So send me the message I might not be able to get to you right away but we have got a lot of great things going on. We are about to close a deal with 51st North Taproom. We just finished one with Germantown Pub. We just finished one with the Rose Pepper. We just finished one with Greenery Co. We are working with Urban Grub and Buttermilk Ranch. We've got lots of things in the
07:14in the works right now so just give me an email. If you want to email me directly it's Brandon at NewLightHospitality.com and I will get back to you. Speaking of getting back to things I think we should get into this episode right now. We're talking with Deborah Sunderland and stay tuned for the next one because I'm going to the CREATE conference here in Nashville today and I'm gonna be there today, tomorrow and the next day and we are going to be hopefully bringing a lot of information from that event. It's at the Omni. I think if you listen to this today you might be able to get in and we're talking about October 15th, 16th and 17th. It's at the Omni. I don't know if you can still get in but it's I think it's free so it's a big huge conference and it's put on by Informa and they do the RLC and FS Tech on these other conferences. They're really great. Yeah like I said let's jump in right now with Deborah Sunderland. You are listening to Nashville Restaurant Radio. Oh my lord I am super excited today to welcome in Deborah Sunderland. Welcome to Nashville Restaurant Radio, Deborah. Oh my goodness I'm super excited Brandon to be here. Thank you so much. Deborah Sunderland is the owner of Sunderland Coaching. Is it Sunderland Coaching or Deborah Sunderland Coaching? It's Sunderland Coaching. All right I said I wasn't gonna do this but if you were to give me a 90-second elevator pitch I just meet you and I say what do you do?
08:55What is Sunderland Coaching? Are you coach football? What do you coach? That is a good question because a lot of people ask me what do I coach? What do you coach? I coach business owners and CEOs and creating the results they have and what they want. So typically we don't have something not because of strategy but because of our thinking, our feelings, and our behaviors and that's the only thing we can control to change the outcomes. So I'm about changing outcomes quickly with less suffering and stress and getting the results you want by mastering your mind. That's a lot there we could unpack that for about an hour and guess what we're going to. To give the listeners a little bit of backstory here we, Deborah is my coach I feel like that is a appropriate statement. We host a podcast together it is called Shut Up and Thrive you can find it on Spotify you can find it all over I think it's all over now but definitely go listen and follow that because it's good but Deborah and I go on bi-weekly hikes and we spend time together that's where we do our sessions are like on the white trail or on the red trail and this past time we were walking she said Brandon what keeps you up at night and we had a pretty good 30 minute discussion and I didn't phrase discussion what keeps me up at night but more so in the vein of let's talk about Nara and what are the restaurant owners in this city what is keeping restaurant owners up at night and we talked about it yes we did and I thought it was pretty impactful and I said in the middle of this you know what Deborah we should do a podcast around this awesome so here we go yes here we go everyone are you ready do you remember what we talked about on the on the walk we talked about things that you notice are common from
10:58business owners things that you hear regularly and how you can relate to it because you have similar thinking Stephen has similar thinking and that you work on changing that your thinking and how it impacts you I do I work a lot on changing my thinking and proud to say it helps yeah there's there's there's tools that I now have when my brain goes down one road I can stop it and go okay let's stop let's breathe let's do there there's there's techniques the first thing that I said you said Brandon was what keeps restaurant owners up at night and I I said communication challenges nobody cares as much as I do how come things don't get done the same way when I'm not there and I think that's a major part of it and I don't know how to even unpack that if I'm a restaurant owner and I'm in the building there are certain ways that I want to do things there's ways because I'm I love this is my business I'm here doing this and I want to communicate all of those things to everybody but I also don't want my restaurant to be this stuffy there's a policy for every single thing that we do I want there to be the ability to step outside of our system for just a moment to take care of a guest to make sure that they're gonna be a repeat guest and I think that's a control thing it is and it's a me against them thinking me against them and control how do I combat that do I need to combat that tell me tell me your insight into me laying in bed thinking man how come everybody can't do it the exact same way that I would do it it's not hard yeah and I think that applies I'm just gonna say this I can relate to that because I used
13:00to do that with my children why can't they listen why especially when I was homeschooling them why can't blah blah blah blah why can't my husband help me all the things and why can't my team listen to me why can't they do what I'm saying number one this is where the unconscious mind goes 98% of our life of our day of our moments it is looking at what is wrong what someone else is doing wrong and what you're doing wrong this is where the mind goes it goes there because the unconscious mind that runs our life unless we wake up to changing it is about scarcity scarcity thinking something's missing something's gonna happen I better control this so blah blah blah blah and it forms actual lies okay that was really deep there's a lot there scarcity thinking your mind tells you I need to control this why can't I control this what's wrong with me what's wrong with them our brain is is wired to keep us safe that's right right so in that moment when I think why can't everybody just communicate this way why can't everybody just do it this this way that I want them to do it it's so easy what is happening in my amygdala yeah like what's going on where why does my brain go there and what's the correct thought for my brain to think in that moment tell me what's happening yeah so the amygdala is set in place to make sure that you aren't going to be harmed make sure that you're gonna be safe and what you care about is safe and then it goes on overdrive telling you 65 to 70 thousand thoughts a day about protection it is you don't even know what's happening it's just like it's already going ahead of you it's hyper vigilant
15:04and it's gonna be like watch out for this watch out for that you better do this you should do this why aren't you doing this it does it to yourself you criticize yourself and it criticizes the world that's what it does for protection and protection is never going to give us what we want it's gonna keep us in a box and that's what it wants it wants to keep us in a box because it thinks if I'm in a box then I'm safe it has structure but it's all based on fearful thoughts that are basically lies it goes to the future and creates a bunch of lies or it holds on to the past with resentment sadness depression that's what it does okay so if we go back to like cavemen mm-hmm the root of this thing is you want to be kept safe yep we need to be safe so that we do not die yes right and your body has natural tendencies to keep you safe that's that voice inside which ladies and gentlemen is the genesis of the name shut up and thrive podcast because we're saying tell that voice inside to shut up tell that voice can you say no that voice is keep me safe is also telling me I shouldn't drive 125 miles an hour in a school zone that's not the voice we that that we how do we decipher which voices is keeping us safe in which ones are really keeping us safe yes so that's a good question so fear is our helper when we are curious around huh what is fear trying to tell me what do I want to pay attention to versus where is fear driving me crazy in my thinking driving me to be anxious in my belly driving me to conflict with my wife my children my employees we call it toxic fear so there's either fear for
17:08growth and curiosity and learning right emotional intelligence around fear says caution pay attention this is emotional intelligence or we're not paying attention and we're on autopilot and we're not listening to how can I learn from this we're looking at oh no it's called toxic fear so either in toxic fear or here we're in abundant caution pay attention fear those are our options Wow okay I'm trying to think of the follow-up question on that because there's so many every day we just go back and forth between the two all day long most of the time we don't go back and between the two we're stuck oh when we get results we don't want peace with our family peace with our clients peace with our team abundance a thriving joyful peaceful restaurant with people taking radical responsibility to learn we either are aren't that's deciphering and I most people don't live in that space I don't I know very few companies restaurants that have peace and joy and thriving and internally I know restaurants that I don't know not a hundred percent of the time there's drama all the time there's there's no there's there's nobody that drama is what the unconscious mind creates drama is again looking for what's gonna go wrong it's kind it's creating conflict internally inside of ourselves so if you don't have peace dear people amazing leaders it's just because your unconscious mind is telling you a bunch of crazy stories and you haven't checked to see if it's really actually true and this is the hard work of a business owner is to take responsibility do do I want to believe this and if I believe this how is this creating what I want or don't want that's the work how is it creating what people want or don't want so let's just say your restaurant owner you're out
19:09there hustling every single day you think you're doing your best you live in fear because shit I mean the world is coming at you every day it feels like we're being attacked on 42 different fronts from the vendors to the employees to the guests to the sewer system to the fire department coming in to the health department to that truck that's gonna be late to the linen company sneaking in and not delivering my like every day you feel like you're just on defense all the time from people just coming at you and it's so hard to find balance the other thing with that being said and I'm just gonna let my ADD take over the balance of it all all of those things I just described that the employees the the the vendors it's all pulling at you and then you have a family and I got to find time to be a father and a husband and maybe I have some friends I don't know if I have friends I don't really have enough time to hang out with friends right now but how do I find balance in all of this because a restaurant will steal your life and I feel like if I'm an owner that's where I'm living right now is how do I find that balance beautiful beautiful note first of all appreciate yourself for noticing appreciate yourself for noticing this isn't really how I want to live I want more for myself I want more for what matters to me and yes my business is very important but how can I create more than now we cannot create more than with scarcity thinking if we have scarcity thinking of I don't have enough time I don't have enough money I don't have enough clients I don't have enough good employees I that's victimhood and
21:10victimhood is not about being the creator of your life and your work it's called at the effect of what's outside of yourself and we can't control what's outside of ourselves we can't control our employees we can't control our spouses we can't control our kids but gosh darn it the fearful mind is trying to do that and good luck because it will never win so it's looking at how can I shift my thinking around this how is what's working working for me what is good what is working what is enough how do I how do I have enough right here right now when I wake up in the morning how can I appreciate all the things I'm waking up in a beautiful bedroom I'm waking up in a beautiful home I have a beautiful partner I love my children I have food I have clothing the very very basics I have breath because dear ones one day your breath is going to be taken away and you are more than what you accomplish my want for you is to consider how do I want to be remembered every day from my employees from my clients and the people that matter most to me my family my friends I get to control that and no one can take that away from me we become victims when we start looking outside of ourselves and start panicking and when we panic we can't see another option and we start to sink sink sink sink into that fear and oh my gosh then we feel scared and we're running we're running like hair on fire now can you if you're describing a lot there is a general concept that we work with that's above the line and below the line and then there's three different ways in which we lead we lead live I don't know the correct term there some people are it's by me through me and to me right are those the three so the first one is to me things are happening to me you're a victim I am a victim
23:10things are happening to me and so I got to take on control and I better do this because I can't trust so-and-so to do this is where I see people all the time I see and I'm not talking about in my restaurants per se I see it in my restaurants all the time everywhere I go at the grocery store we live I think for the most part in a to me society across the world not just in United States okay this is where when we think something is happening to us this is what creates wars this is what creates the war in Ukraine and Russia this is what creates war in Palestine and Israel this is what creates war in our country right wrong good bad you are wrong and you are a threat to me so I am going to take you out take you out meaning I'm not gonna talk to you I'm not gonna invite you into a creative conversation I'm not going to love you I'm going to hate you it goes it's it's a absence of trust it's an absence of trust and dear ones trust where does trust come from let's talk about that love mm-hmm and how does that how do we get that I mean trust comes from a place of honesty I mean honesty to me it's a good or bad whatever it is if I trust you I'm able to be vulnerable with you because I I don't know you tell me where you're the trust comes we don't trust ourselves whenever I whenever you ask me a question I just if I just turn it back at myself I think I'll find the answer always dear ones about ourselves breed if read a Viktor Frankl's book what is it called the meaning of life or forget what exactly it's called it he lived in the Holocaust okay I don't think you could get a worse situation of smelling
25:13burning flesh of knowing that you could be the next one of seeing people as skeletons I and I was thinking about this I woke up this morning somehow thinking about like how cold those people must have felt because I already know like even in Berlin right now I have a friend flying to Berlin right now and he said it's already at the high in the 50s well it's only what is this not even November it must get pretty cold I haven't been I've been to Berlin at the airport but I just wonder how horrible it was and for someone to have a different perspective on life and what they can create even when the worst is happening around you this is the work dear ones how can I learn to love myself give myself thoughts I get to choose the thoughts I want to believe about myself I get to choose that I'm enough no matter what's going on outside of me I get to choose that I have enough even the smallest of things guys I used to have $25 to my name when I got out of school and a Volkswagen I had nowhere to live with four school loans behind me and I didn't even have work yet that's a pretty scary situation is a 22 year old yes because I knew that I could create whatever I wanted by how I think about it I came I became a millionaire in five months time and made forty to sixty thousand dollars a day in 2008 okay what if I'm a restaurant owner and I'm going into a Sunday brunch I've got 350 people in the books a restaurant seats 150 it's gonna be a busy ass day like it is gonna be busy yeah and at 10 a.m. wait right there right there when you start did that little thing when you see you've got 350 on the books and you
27:14only have 150 seats what does your mind do typically I get excited you get excited that's gonna be a busy day because we're gonna do several turns it's not at one time it says several turns beautiful so beautiful so you have the thought cool this is great because I can serve all these people and I'm up for it many people a lot of people happy to make a lot of people happy day but also a lot of people when we think oh my gosh how am I gonna do this my team better boat and then we start to spiral down into fear so the noticing is how quickly can my mind shift from excitement to oh no well you didn't yes so you know that that's happening and then the power goes out 20 minutes before opening mm-hmm and you had two servers call out mm-hmm and there's a line cook that just cut his hand mm-hmm now I'm in that moment oh shoot I'm in that moment now what do I what do I how do I deal with that because I'm gonna get angry and I'm gonna immediately go to a place of why does this happen to to me to me the to me yes exactly these servers didn't show up the power is now out I've got a hundred people outside wanting to come in and yes walk me through that moment first notice that you were panicking just notice yourself because again the only thing we can change is ourself we can't change outcomes outside of ourselves we can't change the way restaurant people might coming in clients might feel we can't even change the our team the only thing we can change is how I show up around what's happening outside of me all right this is big mm-hmm the only thing I can change is how I'm showing up and say
29:20what's happening outside of me okay you can't control the power being out no you can't control people calling out you can't control the guy cutting your hand no cutting his hand cutting his hand either way so what we can control in that situation is our own response and our own feelings that's right now it control your feelings can you you your feelings are gonna happen you have to allow them to have feelings will happen but the issue remains that people don't feel their feelings all the way through they stuff them into their adrenals and it becomes cortisol and it becomes triggered reactive responsive thinking reactive thinking and reactive patterns so first notice that you're anxious notice that you're angry notice that you're like in panic mode beautiful thank yourself for even noticing because most people never notice they just continue down that path number one notice that is what the mind does for you for me for every restaurant owner that's a that's what we all do now we have the choice to get out of that we have the choice to breathe because when we're reactive we don't even fully breathe we like hold our breath and we're like oh and that creates more anxiety more lack of thinking straight now this is biology this is neuroscience guys if we don't fully breathe when we're in a panic mode we become a deer and the headlights we can't see any other options and so we go into like doing the same old pattern okay well I better fix this and I better do this and I better do that and then you repeat the same exact behavior the same exact behavior is going to give you the same exact outcome running a restaurant is tough staff turnover rising cost and the endless tasks that bog you down and take you away from what you love let Adams
31:23Keegan lighten that load their privately held Tennessee based restaurant and hospitality focused outsourced HR payroll and benefits firm the team at Adams Keegan removes the administrative burdens of HR administration payroll benefits management garnishments unemployment claims compliance 401k and so much more from their proprietary HR IS platform to seamless payroll and competitive benefits that keep your team smiling they've got you covered Adams Keegan lets you focus on what you do best creating unforgettable dining experiences while they handle the rest essentially think of Adams Keegan as your back office HR department right here in Music City one of the many things I love about Adams Keegan is that unlike big publicly traded companies out there they have an incredibly high standard of customer service and that that's what we all need is really good customer service in these areas they don't give you a 1-800 number and make you fill out an IT ticket submission they surround every client with a team of experts all based right here in Tennessee you can call them today at 615-627-0821 or visit AdamsKeegan.com that's A-D-A-M-S-K-E-E-G-A-N.com for your free HR consultation and see how they can create a customized solution to help your restaurant thrive Sharpier's Bakery is a locally owned and family operated wholesale bakery providing bread to Nashville's best eateries they have operated in Nashville since 1986 yes next year will be 40 years they providing high quality fresh bread daily for restaurants catering companies hospitals and universities the bread is also free from any preservatives and artificial flavors they're right off of White Bridge Road Erin Mosso and her team been doing this for a long time you know what I love about them is that they're local and they care they care about your business that's like the number one thing you're gonna hear me talk about is do they care
33:23about your business and I hundred percent believe that they do if you would like to be working with the bakery that cares about your business give them a call 615-356-0872 that's 615-356-0872 now you can always visit them at Sharpier's.com that's C-H-A-R-P-I-E-R-S.com and they have pictures of all of the bread that they can have for you and contact information go check them out Sharpier's Bakery Pony Boy Slings what's that it's a bourbon based canned cocktail from Kentucky bourbon canned cocktail yeah but it's only 7% and fully carbonated so it's super refreshing oh I get it it's not a regular bourbon it's a cool bourbon giddy up for more info visit drinkponyboy.com alright shit's gonna happen in your restaurant things are gonna go crazy when they go crazy when things happen recognize what's going on inside your body recognize that you're anxious recognize when you're angry recognize if you're pissed whatever that is and then call timeout call timeout inside of yourself call timeout inside so this is this is the thing I can't take five minutes in that moment I they need a leader who's going to respond and act accordingly quickly so does this take a long time do I have to stop and go guys I have to go and sit and recognize my feelings and I need to meditate for a minute and it slow my breathing down so that I can decide what to do what do I need to do how long does this take what is that you always have enough time that scarcity thinking I don't have enough time is going to create exactly the same outcome so you do have enough time to take three I always say take three I love threes because it's not too much three breaths all the way in from your belly push it all the way out up through
35:25your chest up through your nose up to the top of your head and let your exhale be slower than your inhale three deep long breaths and why we do that is because science shows that your blood chemistry is rewired just from fully breathing it takes out that cortisol that reactive feeling in your body to serotonin which are happy emotions so this is the cheat code ladies and gentlemen if you are ever in that moment if you recognize you're in that moment three deep breaths three you take it all the way in the deepest like I would what I do is I breathe in as much as I possibly can and then I do one last little at the very very end and then I slowly exhale it this is you know what this is this is the Nintendo reset button this is that this is unplugging something and plugging it back in when you're trying to emotionally regulate if you don't do this it's almost impossible it is impossible this is I love this this is a this is like you know when you get your app on your phone like I have an Apple phone whatever phone you guys have you there's always upgrades always right every like it's a rewiring that's what they're doing they're rewiring a glitch in the system we have glitches in our system from our fearful mind we can reset to a new pattern just like that's what we're redoing with our phones or we're setting a new pattern you can reset just by taking your breath and three times and do it all day long do it when you are feeling great I would I make it a practice three breaths three times a day three day morning when you get up in the morning before you put your feet on the ground take three deep belly breaths all the way in and all the way out do it set it on your phone to remind you because you will forget you're gonna go into your automatic
37:26patterns it is a practice do it at lunchtime or right before lunch comes you know when lunch is coming do it at 1030 or 10 when you know you're gonna be getting ready and then do it right before dinner and then do it if you want for extra extra bonus points do it before bed and notice how it makes you feel notice that your mind becomes expansive to other ideas and other outcomes without your breath fully breathing you cannot think of new outcomes you cannot see anything different my advice not advice just this is what I do when I transition roles right so I go from waking up in the morning being a dad and a dog dad and a cat dad and a husband right where you have morning frenetic activity and your breakfast and this and this this or I'm a podcaster or whatever I am and then I get in my car and I drive to work well that transition when I'd park my car at the restaurant that is where I do three breaths before I transition from dad podcaster Nara guy whatever it is I go from that to director of operations I need that I take a deep breath I do this and then I can walk into my next role reset okay I'm not bringing any part of anxiety of these thoughts from what I just did I'm now completely present in what I'm doing at the restaurant and I can engage and then when I leave the restaurant if I go to a different restaurant I like to take three deep breaths before I walk into that place and then when I get home when I get in a car from work like when I'm done at a restaurant and I'm going somewhere else I will sit in the car at the restaurant at the same thing and I will take a few deep breaths and I'll close my eyes when I do it just because I want to completely and you focus on your breaths then I go back into being a dad and I can make that transition without carrying any frustration or anger whatever I was feeling I can release it I can feel it and release it my other
39:30big hack that I do that you've taught me is when I recognize that I'm angry and this is something that is really big feeling your feelings mm-hmm right this I think is a massive part of what we don't do very well we live in a culture that says stuff it down that's right I don't have time for your fucking feelings that's right that's what people that's a general thing I couldn't disagree more well this is what emotional intelligence is if you don't know who Dan Goldman is who to talk who's from Harvard a professor there who wrote in the 80s emotional intelligence is far greater than your brain and if you're not using it as your decision-making process and your wisdom you are missing out and if you don't feel your feelings all the way through you're gonna get sick yeah because they're meant to come out of your body they're not meant to be short in your adrenals cortisol guys is not good for you it causes high blood pressure heart attacks cancer and we are the most unhealthy country in the world we are spiraling down guys we are more anxious even though we have the most stuff in any company any country we are unhealthy and this is our thinking because we've been taught to do do do run run run achieve achieve achieve you are not a doer you are more than a doer what if you are more than that and I love that you take care of yourself Brandon it is your responsibility dear ones to decide how am I going to show it from myself first because if I don't show up to take care of myself first I cannot show up for my kids my wife my husband or my employees or my clients I have to be responsible to take care of myself first and that means what do I want to believe about me what do I want how do I want to breathe how do I want to feel how will I let my feelings come
41:30through because I want to heal myself and how do I want to show up I have to be intentional how do I want to show up in the world which we said you get to choose and if you don't choose your unconscious mind is going to choose for you you must be aware and awake and practice over and over and how you practice is noticing when you get an outcome you don't want your opportunity to learn and grow and take care of yourself and show up differently I'm gonna repeat it again is when you get an outcome you don't want it's your wakeup that you're just on autopilot you're on cruise control and your mind your unconscious mind the fearful mind the to me but mindset is driving your decision-making and your life and your business that's your wakeup so thank it for waking you up it's kind of like you're driving down the street you know the road that you go to to get you to your restaurant every day you don't even have to think about it you don't have to put it on Google to know where you're going you know where they got to get there autopilot autopilot it's like me today I wasn't paying attention and guess what breaks went on in front of me and I was like oh shit that's what your outcomes are that you don't want it's an oh shit I'm on autopilot and not paying attention to my thoughts that bring my emotions that bring my behaviors that's all we can control our thoughts that bring our feelings that bring our behaviors that's what we have to master because our behaviors is our outcomes our thinking is our decision making our decision making leads to our outcomes our results your decisions dear ones create your outcomes and we have thirty three thousand decisions we make a day this isn't me making this this is science so how many of those have you been aware of those thirty three decisions you're probably on autopilot brushing your teeth you're probably on autopilot getting dressed you're probably on autopilot getting your coffee and saying hello to your kids it's
43:31just a routine until something happens until you get sick or your child gets hurt or something blows up at the restaurant wake up this is not for me to be mean to you it's because you matter you are created like no one else in all of eternity and you have a purpose beyond just getting things done and making money and making sure other people are happy you are responsible for creating joy in your life you are responsible for creating peace you are responsible for how you want to be remembered in this world no one's gonna remember this great restaurant when you're dead they're gonna remember how you showed up for people how you showed up how you love them and you can't live others until you love yourself and the three questions I ask and I get really on my soapbox around this because my life almost almost taken and we live half a life most of the time and the world needs you your people need you to show up but you need you to show up more than ever and the three questions I asked the most I'm talking billionaires one do you believe you are enough to just right here and right now do you believe you have enough and three do you know how to love yourself and sadly not one single person has ever said yes to those questions not one so that's like all three of them or like one of three all three are no because I feel like the third one is the one where we live most people do I know how to love myself that's in the service industry we are a
45:36lot of those love languages acts of service we gain we're able to give and receive love by doing for other people we put ourselves second I know oh yeah we put ourselves second and we're constantly focused on this other stuff and it's it's backwards yeah it's backwards and I I always say and I said this on the last podcast put your oxygen mask on first before you help they say on an airplane put your oxygen mask on before you help children you can't help children if you're dead yeah and you know that's the thing we have to do we have to take care of ourselves because an unhealthy leader trying to spend all of their time and energy when they don't have any to help other people is just going to fail he's going and you're going to fail but an incredibly healthy leader who loves themselves and is okay with everything they're doing can make mistakes joyfully and can love others and like unconditionally let's get this thing and it makes a huge difference I say fail quickly and fail as often as you can I want you all to fail because you there is learning in that instead of trying to control we want to look at as many outcomes that are happening that aren't working and what can I learn from this what can I learn from this what can I learn from this how did I unintentionally create an outcome I don't I'm on autopilot I'm driving and the brakes are going on in front of me this is a wake-up I have a thought pattern right here that's about scarcity and control can I breathe I might not know the answer but I know when I breathe and relax into I can trust that I already know the answer I already know if I can just breathe there are many options there are many answers but the unconscious mind says there is just one answer it's my way or the highway my way or the highway guys if you're leading your business in that way you do not have an engaged team you don't trust them and guess what they don't like you they don't like coming to work because you aren't inviting them to be a creator
47:39with you you want co-creators to create an amazing environment where you can all learn together learning is thriving control is killing you and your business Wow pretty powerful pretty bold statement there Deborah yeah and guess what guys I so believe in you I get excited in you and we want to ask you if you're willing to see yourself differently if you're willing to get uncomfortable and look at the parts of you that shame yourself that blame yourself that's your growth edge without discomfort and facing it you will stay right where you are remember the fearful mind puts you in a box it doesn't want to change it doesn't want to be uncomfortable so I want you to get good and uncomfortable because that's your growth edge 1000% I could not agree with you more on that you we've talked about this in the past we've got done some work around this and I've done some work around this because I was one of those people I had no clue how to love myself I lived in a world where I felt like I was not good enough I'm not I'm failing everywhere I'm whatever my perception of that was was I'm failing as a husband I'm failing as a director of operations I'm failing as a podcaster I'm not doing good at any of these things I'm just mediocre and to that there's a few things that you said when you said so Brandon everything in this world there's nothing there's good there's nothing that's bad the world is gonna world the only thing that we have our results it changed the way that I looked at everything so instead of it well that's good or that's bad or why I just thought that's a result that is a
49:44result I did this my son today he got a new e-bike and he fell and chipped a tooth and scratched his face and the whole thing and he's crying and I I didn't yell I didn't get upset I didn't do any of that I just sat with him and he was kind of in that to me mindset why did this happen to me how come I and I said hey you know what buddy this is this is where we are right now you can't change any of it it's not you didn't it's not a you're bad this isn't good this isn't bad this is for our learning whatever happened today you now know riding that e-bike when you drive over a mud patch it's gonna be slippery and sometimes the lessons we learn aren't we don't get to choose how those lessons are learned but when we identify that this is a lesson so you asked me you said Brandon what part do you play in a result that you don't want and so if you look at everything and reframe everything into this is just a result instead of trying to just spiral about it yourself and others criticize myself that oh I'm bad because this creating shame if you just go okay so this is a result what part did I play and are there just as me made and then welcome the fact that you notice that and give yourself grace so that was one thing we can delve into that and you feel empowered because you realize I can change this I can I've now learned I've grown this was a valuable lesson for me to learn I learned that the result my part in this was I was going too fast in an environment I wasn't and I wasn't sure of next time I'm gonna go really slow until I'm really sure of my environment and then I'm not gonna fall and chip a tooth and we taught my son grasp that with me that day and he's hard to grasp those sort of things but I was real proud of myself I gave myself a lot of love for not going see I told you not to go too fast in that area and what
51:45were you thinking how could you possibly do this you know how much this tooth is gonna cost me and man you know you you wouldn't get hurt if you just listen to your dad like again not one of those phrases enter my mouth as a man buddy this is a tough one and I'm just gonna sit here with you and then we're gonna feel it together and I'm super proud of you because I know we've had this discussion before you even got this bike for him you were worried about him hurting himself so the you already had worry before it even happened right this is what the mind does guys it worries it worries it worries and guess what it creates when we worry you're gonna create exactly what you don't want yeah okay this is what it does but we want to look at huh how can I trust how can I trust my son on the bike how can I trust that he will get his learnings and when how will I in those moments how will I show up I'm not able to show up that way unless I'm using my heart and let me tell you what you asked me one time we were on a hike and you said Brandon I want you to stop using your brain and respond with your heart and I said I don't think I have that ability I don't know what the hell you're talking about Deborah how do I respond with my heart my heart can't respond you're asking me a question and you're like right now using your brain not using your heart you said what would unconditional love have you know it's a question you asked me and I said I don't know what the hell that means either Debbie said what would unconditional love say about you and I said I still you're speaking a different language to me I don't know what the hell that means and you said do you know what unconditional love is and I said I think so she says you have children do you unconditionally love them I said yes just that feeling of no matter what happens no matter what anything could possibly happen you're going to love your children no matter what you unconditionally love them no matter what happens they're yours no one a hundred
53:48percent she says what would unconditional love that theory unconditional love what would that say about you if unconditional love somebody or something unconditionally loved you what would they say about you and then I was overwhelmed it hit me and then I went oh you want me to speak from my heart well shit now I know what you're talking about and I think it went to man I wish unconditional love would say I'm a good father and a good husband and that I'm enough and that I'm exactly what I need to be and I am I'm great I'm a flawed human who is wonderful in all of their ways all of these things I tell myself aren't good enough actually are and she goes we were talking and you said that's that's amazing now tell yourself that you the most important person for you to unconditionally love is yourself and it was the most powerful thing I think besides what part do you play in a result you don't want that I had heard because I didn't know what to feel in that moment because I never take a moment to think about myself I don't think about loving myself I think about everybody else and I'm a provider and I'm all these things and it's like and then I feel less than because I'm not showing up and it's like hey man it's okay like you're you when I'm able to love myself when my kid falls on his bike I don't think I've done something wrong I think okay I'm able to still love myself that I didn't do something but what part do I play in this is he too young to have an e-bike is this but I was able to show up in that moment and
55:51say hey man let's just let's talk about this let's be I'm just gonna be here with you and I and I've it's a confidence that it gives me give that my heart allows me to show up as me does that make sense I'll let you talk for a little while I just so I so love this thank you so much for sharing your takeaways and we are not able to care and love others if we don't love ourself and the unconscious mind is going to beat the crap out of you all day long and I want you to do ones out there in the world who are listening to ask yourself how is the opposite true of what my fearful mind is telling me about myself how it's criticizing you up and down how I want you to write out the very very opposite so what's one thought that you switch all the time Brandon what's a thought that it is a fearful thought and you've learned to look at the opposite of it Instagram or online at drink buddy boy calm hey everyone we all know running a restaurant is tough between managing staff food costs and service who really has time to chase down numbers that's where Grunberg accounting comes in they specialize in bookkeeping and financial consulting for restaurants bars and catering businesses with over 10 years of experience helping food service businesses thrive they will track down your prime costs identify waste and profitability while turning your numbers into strategy with clear monthly reports and personalized guidance already have a CPA great they'll work with them need one they'll introduce you they handle POS integration payroll vendor tracking and budgeting so you can focus on what matters from catching unpaid sales tax
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01:01:59right now and I can't possibly do a good job okay so I'm I'm not enough so we would write the very opposite I am enough yeah and then I want you to write down three ways that that's actually true so how is it that it is actually true three ways that you are enough well I again unconditional love would have me know that I'm exactly where I need to be and I'm doing exactly what I need to be doing I pray I'm a I'm a I'm a I'm a person who know I know that I'm doing my best I know that I genuinely try my hardest and I'm help and I'm doing really great things so I just want to go back to the basics because that still sounds like a little bit of doing when you were my brains talking that my heart your brains talking all right everyone I want you to picture when you if you have children the moment that you went to the hospital and that baby was about to be born your excitement your apprehension how's this going to go and when that baby popped out you were overjoyed you cried you couldn't believe this miracle came from you you were in awe that baby didn't do Jack that baby didn't do anything but cry and and and and and sleep crying sleep that's all that baby did for a long time it didn't do anything to earn being enough and the same is true for you you came into this world being enough somewhere along the line way in our culture from our parents from our teachers again no blame and shame social media we started comparing ourselves we started saying oh no I'm not enough I
01:04:02gotta be in my grades oh no I'm not enough because I didn't make quarterback oh no I'm not enough because I didn't get into the university that I wanted to get into oh no I'm not enough because I didn't make my sales quota oh no I'm not enough because my spouse left me oh no and those are all out exterior things can you see that those are lies those are things outside of you telling and you're believing it we want to come back to the very basics you're enough because no one came out into this world no one was birthed just like you no one there's never another Brandon and there never will be and the same with all you beautiful restaurant owners listening you have a purpose you have a calling that only you can fulfill by being just you no one can be you and vice versa you can't be someone else but we try to be someone else we try to be who our parents wanted us to be who our school teachers wanted us to be who our boss wanted us to be who our wife or spouse wants us to be who our kids want us to be and good luck because it will never will never get there who our clients want us to be it will never happen so we have to own how am I showing up for me first because fear is the opposite of love and again science says that 98% of the time our unconscious mind which runs our life is based in fear so we're never we're gonna keep scrambling and scrambling and scrambling so the work is how about if I am enough and how can I be the creator of my life that I am called to live including my work including my relationships but I got to relate differently to myself and that is I've got to rewire my thinking I've got to notice a 65 to 70,000 thoughts a day that I'm believing that no longer serve me and I've got to replace them with new thoughts thoughts that I probably don't believe yet but I've got a practice
01:06:05rewiring and this is neuroplasticity neuroplasticity shows that we have a malleable brain we have the opportunity to tell ourselves the opposite of what is causing us suffering suffering means if I don't have peace and joy I'm suffering if I don't love myself I'm suffering we have the power to reclaim our beliefs our beliefs create how we feel create our action steps and create our outcomes so again if you have an outcome you don't want it just comes from your thinking your beliefs and we can change that we can't change the outcome dear ones we cannot change someone else and we cannot change outcomes we can only change what God is there and that's empowering because we can do it over and over and over again we have to practice just like medical doctors they don't have all the answers that's why they call it a medical practice right we get to practice guys and if we have a team that wants to practice gosh we'll set that restaurant on fire for good because we can learn to practice together we can be vulnerable and say I don't know but I'm just learning and I want to learn what are your thoughts and what do you want to learn from this outcome that we have and don't want how can you invite a learning culture you can invite a learning culture versus a blame and shame culture unless you stop shaming and blaming yourself and create inside a culture inside of yourself of curiosity love I want you to ask how great can I really make my life how great can I make it because otherwise the defense is running is oh no oh no oh no well let's flip it how great can I make this how great can I make my day how great can I show it for myself how great can I show it for my employees how great can I show it for my clients and my wife and my kids and how great can I make this that's the
01:08:07opposite normally you're like oh gosh I got to do this and this and this and this and if I don't but no I want you to flip it flip it flip it how abundant can I be how much can I how much love can I bring myself and the people in the world which is the opposite of control and fear okay Brandon's given me the one minute I've got to go in one minute so what's the takeaway and what are we doing next Brandon well I meet so many people living below the line in a to me mindset and they're stuck they're stuck there's there's depression there's alcoholism the answer is I'll have a drink that's the that's the everything you're describing is not the easy pill right it's doing the work but what you just now described sounds so liberating and freeing to be in a state right now if you're listening to this and you're like oh that's me I she doesn't understand where all of the things that are happening to me right now but that all sounds great in theory but it's not that easy it's not that easy you're right there is a lot of work you have to do and a glass of Jack Daniels isn't gonna fix anything and that's okay if you are drinking right now just notice that you're trying to find a temporary comfort or drugs or whatever it might have some kind of addiction guys no blame or shame no blame or shame we all I'm not saying that great comfort that yep yep so what I'm saying is you can do this it's not overnight there's a lot of work I would love to figure out some way partnership with Nara something I don't know what it looks like yet but I think we should we should talk about this could you do like these teachings stuff that's helped it's helping me and it helps my entire leadership team because I'm able to be present in many more ways than I used to not be able to be present in a lot of
01:10:11different ways do you offer this like and you don't work with restaurants per se you're working with CEOs and leaders of all kinds of fortune 500 every every kind of company and and I have worked with restaurants actually I've worked with the largest produce company in Chicago that supplies all the produce to the restaurant so you have worked so I mean if I was a team at GFS or at Cisco or at US Foods or if I was an independent restaurateur I feel like if these concepts were understood by my entire leadership team I could completely transform the culture of my restaurant just by simply living above the line and you don't know what that means yet there's a great book 15 commitments of conscious leadership that you should go read it's fantastic Jim Dethmer right who I'm who I studied with for four years and yeah so there's a great company book that goes with this I don't know what it looks like yet let's figure something out I would love to offer a restaurant package of sorts that you work with I don't know what if that's a monthly thing if it's a yearly thing or whatever it is let's talk about this because I think there's a lot of people out there who are living below the line who are living in that world of self-doubt who are anxious scarcity fear that could really benefit from doing some of this work and I like to be able to figure out that it's doesn't cost a million dollars like how do we do this that's a way to help people transform their restaurants in the way that they think and what they do so I don't know what that looks like yet can we talk about that is there something you'd like to do I would love to do that I think first of all if you want to just have a conversation and be vulnerable with me and be human with me because guys if you understood all the things that I've come through I've done so much work that I know it's transformed my life and I've seen it over and over again with people's lives being transformed and our lives have to transform in order for
01:12:12our businesses to transform in order for our relationship to self to transform we have to transform how we relate to ourselves in order for every relationship in our world to transform and I have done that and continue to do it I want you to have peace and joy so if the any of this resonates just reach out to me let's just start there say I heard you on the NARA podcast with Brandon I want to have just a discussion let's get on a 30-minute reach out to me I'm gonna give you my phone number text me that's the easiest way seven zero eight nine eight nine one one five nine tell us you heard us on this podcast number one number two I would love for us to have a monthly bi-monthly get together all restaurant owners can get together we can talk about the same concerns we all have and what do we do with that that's one way are you talking about like doing something with multiple restaurants at one time all of them connecting together absolutely because we all have the same thinking we could do that I was kind of thinking like a red like an owner and his general manager and the leadership team all together building trust being vulnerable it can be both it can be both this is how we do it folks this is just brainstorming well typically yes absolutely I would come in and look at what's going on in the restaurant what what's not working how are we creating what we don't work and what's the plan out of it that's what the results we're getting that what are the results that we don't want I always look at results and how do we shift it and you all know we can't change results we can only change what caught what we did to create the result we have and want or don't want we wish to want to be creative learning culture so I will come in and look at that and then we will come up with a strategy and we will offer you a NARA discount nice I like that if you are in NARA if you are in the NARA Association if you are a part of Brandon what he's building here in Nashville you are going to get a discount which is very exciting thank you thank you for that I love that I so
01:14:15I know you've got to get going one of the things that we do on Nashville restaurant radio is you get the final word you get we call it the Gordon food service final thought so the final thought of the day if you want to surmise what we're talking about if you wanted one last parting shot to let everybody in Nashville is listening completely off-topic whatever you want to say the mic is yours and then we'll let everybody out of here you are the creator of every result you have in your life you're more powerful than you know all right there it is final words Deborah Sunderland thank you so much for joining us today on Nashville restaurant radio make this a monthly thing this is good for me to be a part of and we can delve deep into it and go check out shut up and thrive podcast where it's on Spotify I think plays on Apple podcasts it's all over the place go check out shut up and thrive with Deborah Sunderland and Brandon there's a yeah no but there's a couple I think the name of it when you search like shut up and thrive there's a couple other shut up and thrives out there shut up and thrive with Deborah Sunderland and that is your find it listen to it and then she put her phone number out there say your phone number one more time seven zero eight nine eight nine one one five nine text me because you're gonna make yeah I'll do that later and then you won't because your mind is gonna be like yeah I can figure it out guess what you won't you're offering a 30-minute call conversation in person on the phone whatever for free just like I mean just get to know you because this do this right now just text her whatever you're doing stop find that number text and say hey Deborah this is so-and-so I'd love to talk to you for 30 minutes there's no commitment right I heard you on national radio no it's right I just want to talk to you and let you know what I'm dealing with yes it will be magical for you one last thing I'm going to say because I do have to go my life
01:16:18was almost taken away June 1st 2013 I used to be a competitive cyclist and it's all about winning winning winning winning and there was never rest because I had to win win win and I was really really anxious because I'm trying to get these results results of winning winning and I almost died in a race thinking I'm gonna podium today I'm going to win I woke up to my life is more than winning and my life is even more than helping my team or other people win what I've discovered is my genius is seeing your genius my genius is seeing who you're called to be and what you're here to do if you want to know that reach out to me sending you guys so much love thank you thank you bye everybody bye big thank you to Deborah Sunderland for joining us on the podcast big thank you to you for listening all the way through on the podcast and I don't have a lot to say here I do want to say that if you need marketing help you need to call Christine miles over at miles hospitality marketing that's h m.com Christine miles is the best one company that I talk about CNB linen a lot because I hate the linen business so bad if you hate your linen company or you want to get out of one of these stupid contracts if you use some big co2 company that is in a seven-year contract you're trying to get out of it I'm happy I have form letters I have forms to get you out that I can help you mail them I can get it done so if you want to figure all that stuff out I'm happy to do that but one person two people out there that I love that do not use contracts are super source and CNB linen these are big company killers right so these big huge companies they say we're not gonna make our profit till year two anyway so we have to sign a seven-year deal and that's what's important and yes that is the way that they speak that's bullshit these companies are working with you and
01:18:21they are not making you sign a contract these are dish machine and chemical companies and if you're using one of these massive companies that's made you sign a seven-year deal you can still buy most of your chemicals from Jason Ellis over at super source because he will come in and teach you guys how to use them appropriately he'll come to a class for your kitchen he'll educate people and why when we first went to them we're using five times the degree so we were supposed to be because well if I use more it'll be better no that's not the way it works he will come educate you and it'll save you money immediately even if you're using one of the the big guys who I'm not gonna name names but you know who they are Jason Ellis super source go find them at any of our our podcasts we talk about Jason Ellis and super source or CNB linen go find them on their websites get a hold of them or contact me for Nara I can put you in direct contact with them we as always hope that you guys are being safe out there truly mean this love you guys bye